dear blog,

it s been ages that we are together--bonded by silent talks as well as talkative silence!
be it pain, ecstasy, love :i have found solace in you!! need to thank mr. kushal mehta for introducing you to me! may be i needed a listener, maybe i needed someone to act as a sink for my dry tears,or may be just as a storehouse, i decided to take that first step towards you! lo and behold-we became friends almost instantly!
my first post was slow, shaky! i measured my steps as i ventured deeper into you!
but the warmth was mesmerisingly comforting! i let loose!gave you green-the symbol of tranquil vibrancy, vivid serenity!! with time passing by, i realised your importance !by that time, i have found my buffer! other people entered and shared our lives, commented on posts! i liked it but the pleasure lay in the fact that i could be myself with you! you never complained bout my irregularity, me always talking about my woes, me changing names of characters to maintain anonymity(in a way, not sharing 100% details of the incidents with you)! instead you welcomed me with open arms giving me that warm hug when somebody else did not! i never realised your presence so vividly until i found out that how fake the essence of friendship is in college, and how people took pride in feigning one of the most beautiful relations of life!
i rediscovered you!
you tolerated my staggering hindi! :)
you hid my tears and pushed me towards a brighter tomorrow, a better morn!
sorry i never answered your reminders and took longer to post,even though miss rhea bhattacharya kept on asking me to blog! i apologise! may be i am self-centric! but the truth remains that your importance never diminished in my life!
i commented that i post to gain sympathy. i know you know that it is absolutely false!some body may comment that i should shun this "habit" of passing comments in relation. i need not dare argue with them and explain them the "why" behind it! you understand me!!!
but i feel every relation must go through phases -where one phase ends and another starts!

my venture or rather tryst with life to be happy forever has to end here! may b the reason might appear vague, baseless to the "elite" group out there. and i need not bother justify them!when i started i gave you the name "happy is wat i wana b ... 4evr"
inside i hoped that one day i would be able to erase those intermediate dots and rechristen you "happy i am!"
but that did not happen- not your fault at all!

just that things did not work out-or lets put it in the way that i could not put things right!
i believe that feeling never dies! it re-emerges in some form or the rather! its not hope but a promise that my relation with you will be reincarnated in a different form, a different style, in a different color, with a different dimension! for the time, i need to say goodbye-till we meet again! see you......soon!

miss you
love

mitankar

MULAAKATEY,AISI BHI

Kuchh khwab sajaye chale the hum,

Ek anjaani dagar pe badhae the kadaml

Aisa laga ke waqt gaya tha tham!!!

Jab hum mile dosti se!

Haare sabzilan par chalte huye—

Kuchh begaane se nagme gungunate huye—

Mujhe mil gaya tha mera mit!

Shikayat ki gunjaayish nahin:

Jannat jaise mil gayi thi yaheen:

Isi aaasman ke niche—

Baatein kuchh aisi hoti thi;

Kisse kuchh aise bante the

Ke yeh jahaan hairaan sa tha . . .

Kal jo rishtey unsune se the

Aaaj wohi ek yakeen sa hai

Ek nayee subah ki tarah!

As the sands of time slide through—

As the morning grass gets wet with dew.

As I sit under the vast stretch of blue

I’m engaged, driven into a “roobaroo”

With life, itself!!

KNOWN ANONYMITY

‘Mitankar’-my name: it is the only thing that I like about myself. But when HE called me by this, I felt sad. Why? Is it because that I am too accustomed to listen to the short and sweet monosyllabic word, or is it that I had taken things for granted? Is it ‘cause I preferred it that way or is it because HE liked me calling by that (HE always used to say that it was not just a word spoken, but a whole world of emotions felt)? The questions remained unanswered.

With the word escaping HIS lips, I stood there misunderstood: my feelings misinterpret and my words (those that I had spoken earlier) misjudged. HE finished fitting the bulbs into the sockets. With the click of the switches, the court was illuminated, but what about the darkness that was devouring our relation, the gloom that hovered over our love, that bleakness that stealthily crept into our lives? The queries were unsolved.

HE sat beside me on the dias, a square tile away. I felt HIS fatigue, sensed HIS tiredness, realized that HE was weary, but could not lend HIM my shoulders. Sounding like a hypocrite—I had deliberately tried to be so. HIS eyes questioned as to why I had compelled HIM to call me by my full name—I could only afford to remain quiet. My silence smothered HIM and though I found a tear round the corner, I continued being inert, unwilling though.

It was me who made that tall figure stoop low, it was my comment that shattered HIS inside, and it was me who deliberately, cold-bloodedly murdered HIS faith. I admitted it. But no one saw as to why I had done so. No soul could hear me crying out of agony as I parted from HIM. Nobody felt the need behind all of these. What they saw was just a friend betraying another. I had rushed to HIM to speak out everything—the reason to why I had behaved that way, tell him what pushed me this far to be this harsh with him. But when I went several flights above the sea-level to see HIM, I was devastated by the derivation he had made out of the entire thing. I was shocked to see the after effect on him, but on the other hand, HIS thought processes disgusted me. I found HIM stuck and hence I made no further move. My silence continued.

Questions still flood in: do I care for HIM? Do I still consider HIM my friend? Does HE think about me? Does HE miss me? I dare not try to answer these. What if the answers are negative? What if I realize that I don’t feel for HIM? What if I find out that HE has forgotten me? I don’t even want to take a chance. ‘Mitankar’ is far more welcome.

FAREWELL

“Take your time and decide. . .”
“I’ve already decided”, the interruption buzzed into Neil’s ears.
Amir continued, “We will exchange a few words but I find it impossible to drag our relation beyond that.”
‘Drag’? ‘Impossible’? Did he actually speak those words? ‘It is not possible’ would have been relatively soothing than the direct ‘impossible’.
“Pardon?”, Neil’s brain could not register what Amir had just said.
“This relation is unworkable”, the voice echoed the same monotony.
Replacing the receiver, Neil found it hard to absorb what he confronted a few moments ago. It took Amir only a few seconds to pull himself out of a relation that spanned over a year and a half. ‘Unworkable’! True. However, to make it work, one needs to try, one needs to make an effort, one needs to care.
“ kuchh bhi na suna, kab ka tha gila?
Kaise keh dia . . alvida!”
Neil was flabbergasted. He could not believe what he had just heard. He sat in the dark, trying to figure-out what had just occurred. He was so bewildered by the suddenness that he went blank. His senses were paralyzed. He felt numb. The unexpected words of Amir dishonored his care towards him. Reality slapped him hard. He was silenced.
“ ab kehna aur kya?
Jab tune keh diya . . alvida!”
Neil’s helplessness gave its way and he broke down into violent sobs. Tears burnt down his cheeks. Memories flooded in, ushering in all those moments that they had spent together—moments so very bright, so very honest, and so very close.
“aage barh gaye humse raahon me
Par tum to abhi the yaheen!”
How was it possible for him not to be bothered for a second before taking a decision like this? How could he be so unperturbed? These questions became frequent in his gray cells.
“tumse hain khafa, hum naraaz hain;
Dil hain pareshaan:
Socha na suna, tune kyon bhala keh diya . . alvida?”
Frantic, Neil buried his face into the pillow, trying to mute his cries, but could not silence the cry of his soul. Call it optimism or immense despair, Neil could not fall for the fact that the phone call was real. He fancied this a nightmare, which would never be a reality. There would be a brighter tomorrow—tomorrow that would be just like yesterday, happy and in each other's company.
“hum the diljale, phir bhi dil kahe
Kaash mere sang aaj hote tum agar, hoti har dagar
Gulsita”
The gloominess was getting on to him. To put an end to this bleak hour, he dialed Amir’s number and waited. The call was about to be connected, when a sense of egotism descended upon him. Why should he call? What would he ask for—to get back? Why would he compel? Wouldn’t that be finding the middle ground, a compromise? He pressed the end button. A sentiment of snobbery forced Neil to hold himself back.
“sunle bekhabar, yoon aankhen pher kar
Aaj tu chali jaa:
Dhoondegi nazar, humko hi magar, har jagah—
Aisi raaton mein lekar karvate,yaad humein karna,
Aur phir haar kar, kehna kyon magar—
Keh diya . . alvida?”
Neil surrendered to the turn of events “jaane kis tarah, kis ghari?” and “chupke se kahin, dheeme pao se” bid farewell to his most beloved friend, unwilling though.
“Do un baahon ko, thhandi chhao ko
Hum bhi kar chale . . alvida!”

He closed his eyes and everything grew dim. What started mutually, ended in an unfair, one-sided behavior!

AS YOU LEAVE

your bags are strapped, i see
so you are leaving me
to set sail --
but why is it that i cry
and can't let you go
though the hardest i try
why do i wanna hold you back?
with the world's jeer
and pressure from the peer
i feel tantamount to a corpse
and then there's life's haste
with no time to waste
when i act like a marionette!
it seems like an aeon
when the resilience has gone
missing ---

the moments we live
the memories we weave
serve as a bliss of my solitude
when the hours are lonely and nights are long
your faces brighten up making me strong
to fight yet another war!
your tender touch and the vibrant smile
push me to walk another mile
confident and secure.



time for you has come o leave me
give me a hug and kiss me
as i can't force myself to smile
though the hardest i try!!

ADIEU



{for kajoree n senjuti
b hapy alwz}

conscience speaks

Dear ME,

for the past year and half
i have seen you laugh
but did not find the familiar tone
the smile spread wide, but it hardly shone
the person you are!
you seem to be drained
your innocence blood-stained.
who stole the spree?
who killed the mind-open and free?

come along with me, pal
to the world we belonged
to the place where we lived
come away with me, HOME!

the daffodils that brightened the english class
the physical differences between weight and mass
the historic heroes and the atlas
alongwith the graphs and the compass
are beckoning at us!
let's get back to the world of our own.

it was the time of no missed calls
and sms's none:
and moments of untarnished fun
we had together, out in the fields.
the pain that we had as we failed
time and again
only brought us close. further.
the instants of broad smile
and the fights that never got sorted
in a while
are all waiting. .

they are all there for us and so am i
to hold you up and stand by
in times of your need.
get out of this gloomy phase
and lets get back to those days
to dream, once again!

its time we spread our wings again
and fly away from the stress and strain
to UTOPIA
i stand the same for you
at the same place
waiting for you to embrace
tha spirit of life, all over again!

love---
YOU!

आखरी अलविदा

रात कि इस महफिल में
गूँज रही है खामोशी
इस आलम कि ऐसी है मदहोशी
आज नशा भी नशे में हैं!!

इसी रोज़ आस्मान के तले
चांदनी के चादर ओढे
बैठा हूँ मैं---
तन्हा!
इतना तन्हा, जैसे तन्हाई ने साथ छोड़ दिया हो।
बेहिसाब ज़िंदगी के भागम भाग में
ज़िंदगी बहुत पीछे छोड़ गया हैं मुझे
अकेला!

दो आँखें आज नम नहीं
फिर भी पलकें भारी लग रहे हैं;
चेहेरें पे अभी हैं मुस्कान
लेकिन दिल में कुछ चुभ रही हैं
बेज़ुबान लव्ज़ आज कहना चाहता है, कुछ
गुम हो गया था जो सुर कभी
आज वही साज़ छेड़ना चाहता है यह मन

चूमना चाहता हूँ वोही होंठ
जिसपे कभी मेरा नाम नहीं आया
छोना चाहता हूँ वह बदन
जिसके लिए कभी तड़पा हैं मेरा यह जिस्म;
महसूस करना चाहता हूँ वोही सासें
वोही गर्माहट, जो कभी मेरा नहीं हो पाया
बेशुमार प्यार करना चाहता हूँ, एकबार-एक आखरी बार
साथ बिताये हुए उन्ही लम्हों में खो जान चाहता हूँ
न जाने वह लम्हे कब वापस आये?

शायद यह मेरा आखरी अल्विदा हो!